In-SEASON greetings…..

Deer Santer, I want sumthing to choo, a boyfeend, worlde pease, and sum nale varnish. Ill giv u a carott in returne. Luv Flo xxx

Season-al greetings, and that is not about Christmas, but it will become clear when you read what has been happening in my life.

To say it’s been a bit of an emotional roller coaster of late is an understatement. It all began when I found that little things started driving me barking mad, like when the lead gets caught under my paw. Usually that’s just an occupational hazard of walkies, but one day it made me want to jump on my human and chew her face clean off, which is a bit extreme, especially for a pacifist like me. Obvs I didn’t, but the urge was there. Then I went home and sat on the sofa and there was an advert about a boy with a pet penguin, and it was so cute and heart warming I couldn’t help dissolving in to floods of tears. Then I had such a strong urge for chocolate which is ridiculous as it’s toxic for dogs. I then surfed the net and had an almost uncontrollable urge to buy every single outfit from petsathome.com. I didn’t know what was going on, but looked it up and realised I had PMS. I think it stands for Puppy Mood Swings. Anyway I was right because I came into season. Grim.

Pass the Kleenex Bob, This penguin advert is killing me 😦

The grimmest thing of all was my human sitting me down and delivering some awkward convo about the birds and the bees, which was massively cringeworthy. Like I don’t know where puppies come from!!! I mean I have spent loads of time with my Auntie Mandy who pretty much invented the birds and the bees. I think Auntie Mandy must always be in season as everywhere she goes there is a trail of men sniffing around. She’s like a female pied piper. Male humans are a bit different to male dogs though, as they at least send her flowers and take her for dinner before trying to jump on her, unlike dogs who just sniff your bum and don’t even so much as offer you a pigs ear. Luckily I learned from Auntie Mandy that you shouldn’t settle for second best, so I’m being a good girl like her and waiting for a good catch.

Here is a list of what I want:

1. Own kennel preferable, but own basket at least
2. Possibly has a career (blind dog, sniffer dog, or is famous like Pudsey)
3. Can run fast (nice legs)
4. Makes me laugh
5. GSOH (Great Smell Of Hamburgers, of something similar)
6. Good at catching
7. Good personal hygiene (breath nice and meaty, paws clean)
8. Likes me for me
9. Can do some tricks

Basically its very similar to Auntie Mandy’s list, apart from the Villa in the South of France, the yacht and the Bentley.

Yeah, I might look like a cutie in a reindeer outfit but I know ALL about the birds and the bees

My human said when I old enough I should have one litter, and was talking about another ShihT-Poo cross like me, or a thoroughbred Poodle or Shih Tzu. To be honest I’m a bit outraged by this as it sounds a bit UKIP. Surely it should be up to ME who I want to have pups with. I don’t want an arranged marriage. I might fall in love with a Bull Dog, a Cocker Spaniel, or a Great Dane (Please no jokes about our puppies being Bull-ShihT, Cock-ShihT, or Great-ShihT). I feel so strongly about this I might start up a movement about it, or even arrange a revolution. I have a friend who works at a newspaper so might try and get them to write an article in the Telegraph Pole about it. This is the year 2014 and we are in a free country, so why should the humans decide who we procreate with. Who knows, I might even fall in love with Clara and we might adopt. It’s all about POWER TO THE PUPPIES, and if we have to get nasty we will.

Clara is my bezzie, but if we fell in love we could have a modern family

I’ve ordered a poster of Che Guevara and one of Nelson Mandela for my basket as I am on a mission and want to get positive energy from them. So watch this space all you humans who either have us spayed or meddle with our love lives. If the boot was on the other paw you wouldn’t like it and you’d be up in arms. We’d never say ‘you can only have babies with someone who has O Negative blood, or someone who is 5 foot 7, or someone who has black hair. If you carry on like this the revolution will come and bite you. You have been warned. GRRRRR. Oh, no, think the PMS has come back.

Yeah, you might think I’m a cutie stuck in a stocking, but secretly I’m plotting your downfall…

Ok, rant over. It is the festive period (iterally for me), so I want to show a bit of goodwill. The other things of note are that my uncles Greg and Spencer are just as fun as my auntie Mandy, and took me out for an afternoon to a deserted beach and then on to a pub for a drink.

Right uncle Spencer, see who can make the best stone castle

I bet this one is better than theirs!

Ok bored now I’ve won. Can we go for a drink now Uncle Greg?

It’s ok, it’s only a shandy and I’m not driving anyway

Also my humans went to Chloe’s wedding so I went to stay with Debbie who runs School 4 Dogs. I’ve got to be honest I was dreading it, as I usually stay with Auntie Mandy, who lets me party and drink and smoke. Debbie is lovely but I thought she might be really strict as she is a dog whisperer and teaches loads of classes. I needn’t have worried as I had a great time. And not only that, she might have a job for me soon doing a photo shoot! Oh yes, my career as a model is just about to kick off as I have been scouted! Watch this space. Kate and Naomi eat your heart out, coz I’m snapping at your heels.

Debbie taught me to spell

Just before I go and look up what model agency to join, I wanted to say Happy Xmas and a happy new year to you all. I have written my xmas list to santa, and am going to start writing a list of my new year resolutions. I know I want to further my education and broaden my mind, so I am going to do Debbies course on tricks in Feb. I mean if TOWIE’s Marky ‘no moves’ Wright can dance his way in to the Strictly Come Dancing final, I can deffo learn to skateboard at least.

So here’s my list of new years resolutions:

1. Lead doggie revolution
2. Learn new tricks that will blow Pudsey from Britains Got Talent out of the water
3. Find love
4. Get on better with Roobarb and Bob those nasty cats that I have to live with
5. Try not to cry at the penguin advert
6. Become a world famous superdogmodel (who won’t get out of my basket for anything less than 10 thousand chews a day) and be on the front of Sm-Elle magazine

Being in season is a right beach…